Saturday nights

2:53 and I work tomorrow.
All day tomorrow.

I worked all day today too. And yesterday. Really all week long. Now mind you, not all work you do as an entrepreneur pays. In fact, hardly any of it does. But when all is said and done, the bills are paid for by the work you do.

I didn't really used to sit at home all Saturday... or all Friday. I'd go out and literally be the life of the party.

Rounds for the whole bar, hundreds of dollars in tabs each night. I had the town wrapped around the finger.

Everyone falls from grace once in a while.

You'll have to excuse me, if there are any of you reading this, for a slight digression into personal feelings. This space is mainly for rants and essays, but once in a while I'll need to vent a little mind wanderings.


I got a call from a friend tonight. She's heartbroken, and I can't speak against that. I honestly do know heartbreak. Its happened a few times. Its a nasty thing to be left at the alter, abandoned, and then see your perfect love, that one person you said "Fuck it, I'll change for you and like it" fucking someone else right in front of your eyes.

Its tough to have them pretend to be friendly to you too. I'd rather a slap, a scowl, and the taste of copper in my mouth. Its easier to deal with hatred then false hope.

I'd reckon thats why my female friend is so hurt. All her hopes and dreams have been crashing down, and its pretty hard to feel anything but worthless after something like that. I should know... I've got the brand on my wrist. Just to remind myself that while it'd be easy to just fuck up more and eat a butterfly winged bullet, it'd just be a useless fucking gesture that wouldn't amount to drek in the scheme of this corporate run slum of a life.

Lansing is weighing on me... it'd be nice to be lost in a large city. I want to feel drab and cloud and rain all the time. Vancouver has that. Seattle has that.

A lot of people love the sun. They need the season...

I like the clouds, and the rain. A bitter fucking reminder that it aint sunshine and rainbows. Its about the cloudy days, and the quarter moon, and the empty bottle of whiskey. Its about late bills, and credit card debt, and an empty pantry. Going to bed hungry each night, and not getting more than 3 hours sleep because you wake up in a cold sweat wanting to scream about dreams that plague you every day. Its about a sense of futility, absolute dread and despair.


Who gives a damn. I'm gonna go slot off now.

I miss going out on Saturday nights...

-Nicodemus.